“It’s not just about the number of friends you have, but the quality of those relationships,” says actor Paul Rudd, touching on a topic that resonates deeply with many men. The struggle to form and maintain meaningful friendships is a common issue, often exacerbated by societal norms and personal inhibitions.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Ian Zajac, director of MensPsych, explains that men are generally more comfortable with silence or rage rather than expressing difficult emotions like sadness or disappointment. “Just kicking the football around could lead to more of a superficiality, and then later in life, some men may feel more isolated,” he notes. As men age, the challenge intensifies, with life becoming more structured around work, family, and responsibilities.
Barriers to Male Friendships
Dr. Zajac points out that time pressures increase, and adult participation in personal interests and hobbies often decreases. “It’s probably fair to say women are more intentional about nurturing friendships by calling friends to talk, check in, and possibly make other plans. Many men don’t do this by default, so adult friendships can fade without this effort,” he explains.
The reluctance to approach other men in public spaces to express interest in friendship is another barrier. “Most guys will tell me they don’t know where to start because for the majority of their life, friendship has come naturally or as a secondary benefit to doing something they’re interested in, rather than something out of focused effort,” Zajac says. This often results in men relying on their partners to introduce them to other men.
The Role of Intentionality and Vulnerability
Melbourne IT worker Sahil Vageriya shares his personal experience, highlighting the effort required to turn “work friends” into closer, everyday friends. “As we grow older, life adds protective layers to us, making it harder to let others in,” he says. “Social groups and parties are a great way to meet new people, but most of the time, it feels superficial.”
Community psychologist Daniel Morrison emphasizes the importance of strong male friendships, which offer men permission to be both vulnerable and silly. “Friends can also hold each other to account,” Morrison says. Vageriya has successfully made friends through his housemates, work, and sports teams, but acknowledges it’s an inexact science.
“Knowing who would potentially make a good friend was like looking at the clouds – you spot one that just grabs your attention,” Vageriya reflects.
Strategies for Building Friendships
For men seeking meaningful friendships, Morrison suggests removing any sense of urgency and pressure. Instead of joining groups solely to make friends, he advises participating in activities out of genuine interest, while staying open to potential relationships. “Give yourself permission to not always present your perfect self. That pressure restricts any possibility of being in the moment, or organic growth,” he adds.
Jonathan Bruhl, a 25-year-old musician from Sydney, finds that his strongest friendships are built on thoughtfulness, authenticity, and shared interests like music. “Vulnerability leads to lasting friendship,” he says, recounting a spontaneous friendship that began after a gig in Melbourne.
Looking Forward: Embracing the Ebb and Flow
While spontaneous connections are rare, Bruhl notes that most of his adult friendships developed through work. “The more you get to see deeper into someone’s psyche, the more you can determine if that’s someone for you,” he says. He emphasizes the importance of taking additional steps beyond initial meetings, such as at trivia nights, to cultivate friendships.
Morrison advises accepting quieter or lonelier periods as a natural part of life, rather than viewing them as failures. This acceptance can help foster longer-term relationships and build confidence in pursuing new friendships.
The complexities of male friendships highlight the need for intentionality and vulnerability. By understanding and addressing these challenges, men can forge deeper, more meaningful connections that enrich their lives.
