Ending a relationship is rarely easy, especially when children are involved. This dilemma often leads parents to consider staying together for the sake of their kids, explains Gabriella Pomare, a family lawyer and co-parenting coach. “I see it all the time in my practice … it usually comes up when life feels too big to blow up,” she says. With factors like young children, mortgages, school routines, and shared social circles at play, the decision to separate can seem daunting. But is staying in an unhappy relationship truly beneficial for the children involved?
Practical Reasons for Staying Together
There are numerous practical reasons why a couple might choose to remain together, such as financial constraints or caregiving responsibilities, according to Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists. The fear of starting over can also be a significant deterrent. “They might think, ‘I’m anxious about being on the dating scene again’ or hear stories from friends about what it’s like now,” Dober explains. The stress of change, even when desired, can prevent individuals from making decisions that may ultimately benefit their partner and family.
Pomare notes that not all relationships are fraught with tension, which can make it seem easier to maintain the status quo. “Sometimes it’s not even explosive conflict, it’s quiet disconnection. Two people co-existing. Flatmates. No intimacy. No joy. No real partnership,” she says.
Perceptions of a “Broken Home”
The cultural stigma surrounding separation often leads to the belief that a “broken home” is worse than an unhappy marriage. “Culturally, we’ve been taught that separation equals damage,” Pomare observes. Parents may fear trauma, instability, loyalty conflicts, financial stress, and lost routines. However, she emphasizes that children are incredibly perceptive and often detect emotional undercurrents such as distance, resentment, and micro-conflicts, even when parents believe they are hiding these feelings well.
Australian research from 2020 shows that most parents report their children “fared well” after separation, with positive outcomes in health, learning, peer relationships, and general development.
Modeling Healthy Relationships
Dober stresses the importance of modeling healthy relationship behaviors for children. “Healthy relationship behaviors will set your children up for pretty good mental health and health relationship reference across their lifetime,” she notes. Households marked by tension and frequent arguments can negatively impact children’s wellbeing, leaving them feeling insecure about the future. Pomare adds that children growing up around chronic tension may normalize disconnection or walking on eggshells.
When Staying Together Can Work
In certain situations, staying together for the children can be a viable option. If both partners agree on the arrangement and parent as a strong team, it might work, says Dober. “If it’s low conflict, needs are being met, and it’s functioning, then likely it’s OK.” Pomare adds that for the relationship to be successful, it should be respectful, emotionally safe, cooperative, and genuinely stable, even if not romantic.
Providing children with age-appropriate information about any changes in the family dynamic is crucial, Dober advises. “Young ears pick up more than you think — if any shift like this is going to happen — tell them in an age-appropriate way,” she suggests.
Making the Decision
Separation is one of the biggest transitions a family can face, says Pomare, and it’s natural for parents to feel unsure or scared. “[But] when handled thoughtfully, with emotional intelligence and good support, kids can actually become more secure, not less,” she explains. The key is not choosing between one’s happiness and children’s wellbeing, but recognizing that the two are often deeply connected.
Dober recommends that individuals considering separation speak with family and friends who have gone through similar experiences to gain insights and support. Engaging a mental health professional can also provide valuable guidance during this challenging time. “It’s common for relationships to accordion in and out over time; there might be periods you feel very disconnected, and it might be salvageable,” she concludes.
