As the holiday season approaches, many people are busy making plans to spend time with family—organizing travel, buying gifts, and preparing for cherished traditions. However, for some, this time of year brings a resurgence of grief as they face the holidays without family. This absence can stem from distance, death, or, for many, family estrangement, a topic often shrouded in silence.
Understanding Family Estrangement
Family estrangement is defined as a deliberate and sustained termination of communication between family members, initiated and maintained by at least one person. Research indicates that estrangement is more common than many might assume, with most studies focusing on parent-child relationships.
While precise Australian statistics are unavailable, a recent U.S. study found that 26% of adult children reported a period of estrangement from their fathers, and 6% from their mothers. Similar figures have been reported in Germany, where approximately 20% of adults experienced estrangement from their father, and 9% from their mother.
Reasons Behind Estrangement
Estranged parents often attribute the cause to external factors, such as divorce or their adult child’s relationships they disapprove of. For some families, disapproval may be linked to sexuality. A U.S. study revealed that gay, lesbian, and bisexual adults are more likely to be estranged from their fathers than heterosexual adults.
Conversely, adult children often describe a profound sense of disconnection from a parent exhibiting traits associated with narcissism. They frequently characterize estranged parents as self-centered, attention-seeking, demanding, and manipulative.
Many report experiences of severe child maltreatment, including physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, perpetrated by the estranged parent—sometimes continuing into adulthood.
Others recount abuse by another person and describe feeling betrayed when their parent failed to protect them, instead minimizing or overlooking the abuse. Poor parenting practices, such as authoritarian styles marked by excessive criticism and conditional love, are also commonly reported.
Stigma and Pressure to Reconcile
Despite the widespread nature of child maltreatment and its long-term mental health impacts, societal norms often dictate that adult children should remain connected to their parents. These narratives create stigma for those who choose to walk away, with estranged children frequently describing pressure from family and friends to reconcile.
This stigma makes estrangement a highly private experience. Many go to great lengths to conceal their decision, anticipating negative reactions and feeling unsupported when they disclose it, further compounding their isolation.
This highlights a troubling paradox of societal victim-blaming. Women in abusive relationships are often asked why they don’t leave. Yet, adult children leaving abusive parental relationships are criticized for doing so.
Feelings of Isolation and Vulnerability
The decision to sever ties with a parent is rarely made lightly. It often follows years of attempts to repair or maintain the relationship. Estranged children frequently report a cyclical pattern of distancing and reunification before realizing that nothing will change.
While stepping away from a damaging relationship can bring relief, estrangement is also experienced as a profound loss. Many describe intense grief alongside relief, with feelings of shock, anger, rumination, and anxiety.
Occasions such as birthdays and Christmas often trigger a resurfacing of grief, as individuals miss the idea of having a family and the support it provides.
Strategies for Coping During the Festive Season
If you’re facing this Christmas without a parent or family member you’re estranged from, here are some strategies to help you cope:
- Acknowledge and accept mixed emotions: Estrangement doesn’t erase grief. Accepting that relief and grief can coexist is an important step in coping. Research shows that accepting painful emotions is linked to greater well-being.
- Seek validation and supportive spaces: Given the stigma associated with estrangement, connecting with support groups or finding a therapist who understands your situation is crucial. Validation from those who understand can help reduce psychological distress.
- Remind yourself why you made the decision: While estrangement may increase feelings of isolation, remembering that it was an adaptive response to harmful dynamics can foster agency, self-worth, and resilience.
- Make new traditions: Surround yourself with people who respect your decision and create new traditions with friends, partners, or chosen family. Social support is linked to numerous mental health benefits, including reduced loneliness.
Estrangement may close one chapter, but it opens the possibility of beginning another. As children, we had no say in the story we were born into. As adults, we get to write the ending.
