‘Bachelor in Paradise’ recap: A surprise split and yet another love triangle

This show is giving me whiplash, rose lovers. Last week, Michael A. was my favorite Paradisian. This week, I want to Clockwork Orange him in front of a jumbotron scrolling the words “I will not go on a dating show if I’m not ready to date” until he gets his head out of his ass.

Let’s recap!

Oh God, Jared and Ashley are in the intro now?

I know that Paradise is all about recycling, but I feel like once a couple gets married they should be taken out of rotation completely. Yes, even for one-off guest spots. The “veterans come to share their sage advice” stuff was and always will be boring filler.

The action picks up a little before we left off, with Rodney wandering over to the pool and asking if anyone knows where he can find Teddi. Jill asks him to take a seat and gently breaks the news. “Teddi, she left,” she explains. “She ended things with Andrew and then she left.”

Our sweet angel baby Rodney is disappointed. “Um, wow,” he says. “This is crazy.” It’s after midnight and he’s got a date card but no one to use it on. Brandon tries to give him a pep talk, saying that everyone loves him and that there are several “amazing” women to choose from: Jill (“she’s pretty f—ng dope”); Victoria (“pretty dope, too”); Brittany (“gorgeous as hell”). He mentions Serene, but jokes that perhaps he and Rodney do not want to share the same woman for a second time. “I’m telling you, you are the hottest commodity to hit this sand,” insists Brandon.

Rather than using his date card, Rodney sensibly decides to stick around and chat with all the women. Jill, who is definitely “open” for Rodney’s business, is positively giddy. Pretty soon, Rodney’s turned the mood around from morose to mirthful. “Your sense of humor is the only thing that’s keeping me from crying right now,” says Serene. When Rodney replies that he’s going to “laugh off the pain,” Justin does an actual spit-take. Behold:

Meanwhile, Lace is watching all this hilarity from the beach and strategizing how she’s going to snatch Rodney from Jill’s clutches. “This handsome man lights up the beach,” she says. With that, she joins him for a shot at the bar and starts batting her (very long) eyelashes at him. “Look at me, staying up late for you,” she purrs. Rodney asks what her type is, and she says she needs a man who is at least six feet tall and who likes to golf. “I just want someone who’s, like, the vibe,” she adds.

Rodney seems to genuinely enjoy talking to Lace, which is wonderful news for Lace but very unwelcome news for Jill.

Great question! Justin is equally confused, especially when he spies Rodney and Lace smooching on the beach. “Rodney, America’s hero, and…” He pauses. “That pairing… That… The… I don’t even know what to say.”

Oh yay. We’re doing a whole segment about Ashley and Jared’s “journey” to “reconnect” after three years of marriage. Dude, if I wanted to see a married couple try to regain their spark, I’d go stare at my husband as he watches baseball in the other room. Anyhow, even though Ashley and Jared are staying in the fabled Boom Boom Room, the vibe is not very romantic — primarily because there are prehistoric-sized insects dive bombing them from the ceiling.

Back at the bar, Rodney woodenly asks Wells about Jared and Ashley’s “journey” to find “love,” because the producers clearly told him to. You know what that means, rose lovers:

Unfortunately, this “story time” has no reenactments, just sepia-toned flashbacks to Ashley and Jared’s tumultuous time on season 2 of Bachelor in Paradise. Once the tale is over, we cut back to Jared and Ashely in the Boom Boom Room, where the only booms are the sound of Ashley’s farts after eating too much Mexican food. “Oh my God, what is coming out of my butt?” she says, as Jared turns his whole body away on the bed. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This show may be trash, but it’s at least helping to normalize women talking about their GI issues.

As the night wears on, people begin to wonder whether Aaron, Genevieve, James, and Shanae will ever come back from their double date. Logan and Justin are feeling especially anxious, as the women are handing out the roses this week. Eventually the foursome returns to the beach, and Genevieve grabs Justin right away to give him the full scoop. (Did we mention that it’s Justin’s birthday today? Weird symmetry since it was Genevieve’s birthday when Justin came back from his date with Victoria.)

“I’m, like, shocked at how it went, honestly,” says Genevieve of her date with Aaron, who she now realizes is more than just a dude-bro. More importantly, Aaron made her feel “wanted and special,” something that Justin has failed to do thus far.

“I’ve said multiple times that affection is a big thing for me,” she continues. “This morning, we sat near each other, and we kissed once. That doesn’t make me feel wanted.” An annoyed Justin shoots back, “We’re counting kisses now?” Genevieve does NOT love it. “OH MY GOD!” she yells. “Are you f—ing kidding me?” Justin’s all, Simmer down, there’s no reason to get riled up. He reminds Genevieve that Paradise involves dating multiple people and says he hopes they can get back to how they were on night one.  “But you can give me a hug on my birthday,” he pouts.

“I’m sorry that this is on your birthday,” says Genevieve, and when Justin asks for a birthday kiss, she obliges. Platonic soulmates James and Aaron, who are watching from afar, are crestfallen. “Like, what the f— is going on?” moans Aaron. “It definitely shakes my trust… I feel like throwing up a little bit.” The poor guy is experiencing some PTPD (Post Traumatic Paradise Disorder) flashbacks to last season, when Tammy made out with Thomas right in front of him.

Even Genevieve can’t believe her own behavior. “I didn’t want to kiss him because I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to kiss him,” she sighs. “I had such a good time with Aaron, and I wasn’t even thinking of Justin, so I’m so f—ing confused!”

Realizing that she needs to apologize, Genevieve heads to the guys’ quarters to find Aaron. He’s in the shower, so Genevieve sits on the stairs outside to wait. After lathering himself up with a scented bodywash, Aaron emerges from his room shower fresh and ready to hear Genevieve out. “I’m so sorry,” she says. “I was not expecting the kiss.” Aaron admits that his feelings are hurt, but he does seem willing to accept her apology. “I feel mad, mad chemistry, and I want you to go to bed worry-free,” says Aaron, planting a kiss on Genevieve’s head. “Let’s get some sleep and have a better day tomorrow.”

Guys… do I like Aaron now? Like, as more than buffoonish comic relief? I think I might, and it’s very surprising.

Finally — FINALLY — it’s the next day. Ashley and Jared provide the couples rundown: Brandon and Serene are “loved up”; Michael and Sierra are “very solid”; Shanae is waffling between James and Logan; and Genevieve seems to have chosen Aaron over Justin. Indeed, when she sits down to breakfast, Aaron starts planting kisses on her repeatedly, as Justin shoots daggers at him from another table.

Once he’s done hate-chewing his breakfast, Justin pulls Genevieve for a one-on-one chat. “I’m still interested in you,” he says. “I want you to know that I still care about you.” Justin goes on to tell Genevieve that he never even kissed Victoria on their date “out of respect for you.” And this morning he’s greeted with the sight of her smooching Aaron in front of him? Rude. Genevieve reiterates that she needs to feel “wanted and special,” and she suggests that Justin only started paying more attention to her after another man showed interest.

They bicker for a bit more and then Justin says they clearly have “a different level of expectations.” Snaps Genevieve, “Okay, well I’m sorry that I have high expectations that you are not able to meet.” Once again I say, RUDE! “You’re so disrespectful, Genevieve,” mutters Justin angrily. She storms off, perhaps not even realizing that she picked this fight so she could feel better about hurting Justin’s feelings by choosing Aaron.

In a truly shocking twist, Genevieve huffs off to go commiserate with… Shanae! Her once mortal enemy. They talk about how boys are dumb, and Shanae wholeheartedly supports Genevieve’s decision to kick Justin to the curb. She still hasn’t figured out what to do about her own love triangle, and she’s “annoyed” with Logan for not giving her “assurance” that he is still into her. “I don’t know if Logan knows what he wants,” she says. “James says he’s all in [after] one afternoon.” Cut to Shanae picking a fight with Logan.

Logan reminds Shanae that she still hasn’t told him how her date with James went. (Short answer: Great.) “You went on the date,” he says. “You are the one who kind of has the options to weigh and decisions to make. You have things to feel out and decide on.” Shanae counters with, Sure, but it’s on you to say, “I missed you when you were gone.” And Logan counters that with, Okay fine, I still really like you, but it seems like you’re really into James now. Irritated, Shanae declares that they are “going in circles” and walks off. “I’m afraid I ruined everything,” says Logan with a sigh.

Oh my GOD. Now we’re giving Ashley and Jared a date card? Nope, I refuse to recap this obnoxious filler. Memo to ABC and everyone on Team Bachelor: If you cannot produce enough interesting material to fill four hours of Paradise every week, THEN DON’T SCHEDULE FOUR HOURS OF PARADISE EVERY WEEK.

Hmmm… wonder what’s going on at Paradise HQ right now.

Don’t worry, the Paradise elders aren’t planning a massacre. Casey and Michael were just watching all the “young bucks” play football and hoping that a bunch of them get injured and have to go home. Nothing more sinister than that.

Ugh, it’s time, rose lovers. It’s time for the most confounding and frustrating development of the season so far. It starts with Sierra and Michael canoodling on a daybed, while Sierra goes on and on about how great they are together. “We’re definite, we don’t want to look at other options,” she says. “We know what we want.” She tells Michael that she’s already thinking about being a stepmother to James, which makes her very emotional.

Michael doesn’t seem too fazed in the moment, but later at the bar he shares some of his concerns with Wells. “Things are starting to feel like they’re really, really serious, and we’re still early on,” he says. “She’s starting to create, like, these scenarios where it’s like, ‘I’d be such a good stepmom.'” It’s not that Michael doesn’t think Sierra would be a good stepmom — he just doesn’t think he’s ready to find out. Wells encourages Michael to keep his heart open because “miracles happen here.” (Narrator: No, they don’t.)

We interrupt this massive disappointment for happier news: It’s time for Serene and Brandon to go on their first date. Awww, when Brandon sees her all dressed up for the first time, he starts to cry!  

Yep, these two are freaking adorable. Their date takes place at a nearby hotel, where their dinner table is placed in the middle of a pool. Interesting design choice, folks! The conversation goes as expected — “You’re schmoopie!” “No, you’re schmoopie!” — and ends with mutual expressions of “I’m falling in love with you.”

Now back to our regularly scheduled bummer. That night on the beach, Sierra leads Michael to a telescope that’s aimed at a specific constellation made up of three stars. And the reason why is because Sierra has gone online and named those three stars in honor of Michael, his late wife, Laura, and their son, James. “No matter where life takes you,” she says, “you can always look to these coordinates and see these three stars together.”

Michael is very moved, and a little overwhelmed, by her thoughtful gesture. I suppose if he was worried that Sierra was coming on a little strong, this probably set that feeling in stone. And for those reasons, he’s out. “I, um, I feel like there’s, like, I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something missing with us,” he says. “I know you can feel me, like, being guarded.” The widower goes on to say that he doesn’t want to hurt people he cares about while he’s finding his way back to happiness. “I think the best thing now is just, like, space from the romantic pressure,” he says, wiping away tears. “And [we can] just be friends.”

Totally get it, buddy. You’ve realized once again that you’re not far enough along in your healing process to start dating again — so you’re going to leave Paradise. Right? Right???

NOPE.

It’s Sierra who decides to leave. “I just don’t want to date anyone else, and I don’t want to see him date other people,” she explains to her fellow contestants. THAT’S RIGHT, ROSE LOVERS. MICHAEL IS STAYING IN PARADISE, A PLACE WHERE ENGAGEMENT IS THE END GOAL, EVEN THOUGH HE LITERALLY JUST SAID HE’S NOT READY TO DATE PEOPLE SERIOUSLY. Things were going too fast with Sierra, so he’s going to stick around and see if he can form another connection in the two weeks (or whatever) of filming that is left. MAKES PERFECT SENSE. 10/10, MICHAEL! NO NOTES!

As for Sierra, she handles the whole situation with quiet grace. “Of course, I’m upset. I’m sad,” she says. “I still want him, but I have to respect what he needs.” Hang in there, girl! You’ll get ’em next season.

Boy, what a downer. At least Jill is taking her Neighborhood Watch gig seriously.

With Sierra gone, the remaining men who don’t know where their next rose is coming from — Casey, Justin, Jacob, Logan, and Romeo — are starting to get very antsy. “We need a miracle from the heavens,” says Casey, “in the form of many women to come save our patooties.”

Sorry, buddy — instead you’re going to get another segment with Ashley and Jared and their ongoing quest to have sex in the Boom Boom Room. Tl; dr: Jared falls asleep before they can do it. The end.

I guess we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see the next big arrival: Salley! By some miracle she made it to Paradise. Cool. For now, a few questions for you, rose lovers: What is Michael’s deal? Was he maybe just not that into Sierra so he used the “it’s moving too fast” excuse? Do you think Serene and Brandon will get engaged? And what if the producers just turned Paradise into a show where former female rivals from The Bachelorette make up and become friends?

I’d watch the hell out of that, y’all. Anyhoo, post your thoughts below!

Related content: